giggles & grind

I miss my brother. I have three. One of them I still have an amazing relationship with. One of them I’d probably shoot dead if I saw him in person. But the last one, he broke my heart entirely. He was my best friend most my life and then a few years ago, the brother I hate betrayed me in ways that only a mother whose child has endured sexual abuse from a relative can understand. I think that’s enough to say for you to understand what he did without going deep into detail. My best friend, that brother, kept my bad brother in his life, and chose to walk away from me and my children without any remorse. To not listen to sides or facts, but just walk away.

It’s his birthday this week. Over the last couple years I’ve grown used to not calling him for his birthday. I wonder if he thinks of me and misses my calls. Thinks about me at all.

How broken can you be inside to dismiss your family, the only woman that’s been a consistent support in your life, and children that looked up to you?

How could you trust this other person, regardless of them being your sibling, if you had even a hint of evidence of their evil?

I hate to of had something that meant the whole world to me be ripped away because my daughter spoke up about something horrific her uncle did.

I miss something that seems as if it never existed.

The torture of not justice and then losing my best friend has caused so much emotional damage in me that I simply turn it off and do my best not to let those feelings arise.

Anger is not the word for it. What’s stronger than anger? It’s not even hate. It’s a horrendous pain that is so piercing at times that I have to trick my brain into thinking it never existed.

I wonder, my brother, if any of my love for you still exists in your heart.