giggles & grind

If you’ve ever been cheated on, left the situation, then tried to start a new relationship, then you’re probably not a stranger to that PTSD of the past fucking with your new relationship. But what happens if you take a few years off, take the time to heal, fall for someone else, just for it to happen again?

How it the world are you supposed to ever trust again?

In my first relationship, the one who I lost my virginity to and had my first child with, far too young, I was cheated on numerous times. But because of the horror my step mom brought to my childhood, it took a lot of emotional abuse and infidelity for me to finally leave.

I remember finding him on a dating site. Something in his dating profile has stayed with me for over 20 years. “Just a hard working man with a wife and kid, looking for some fun.”

And that wasn’t what made me left. Crazy, huh?

And then my last husband. The man who was seemingly the most compassionate and sweet human I’d ever met. I was singly nearly 4 years before I got with him. I needed that much time to figure out myself and what I want and focus on my kids and career. And he swept me off my feet. He was everything I hoped for.

And then we got married. On June 23rd. June 24th he took his mask off and revealed a monster. I was so shocked by the instant transition that I swore it was just him adjusting to what married life was supposed to be.

After a couple months it was clear that if he was gonna change back to who he initially was, it wasn’t going to come easy and it wasn’t going to be soon.

Beyond his drunken tyrants and pure neglect for his duties of being the bread winner, a father (even just to his own children), and a husband, he was also aggressively unfaithful.

I left to visit my cousin for the weekend one time, a few months after we tied the knot, and came home that Sunday to a mean, drunk, hateful man. When he passed out that night I instinctually looked through his phone. I found his search history riddled with searches for a local escort during my time away.

But did I leave? No. I let him convince me I was crazy and wrong for looking through his phone. The amazing skill of a gaslighter is how they can turn their wrong doing into your own second guessing of your sanity and actions.

There were many occasions he would fall asleep intoxicated. Leaving his phone vulnerable to his insecure, “crazy” wife. And I found over and over again the same kind of shit.

Towards the end of our relationship, which oddly enough not was ended it for me, I found his messages to other women, sending them sweet texts, songs, phrases like “I love you”. This, coupled with his late night escapades of him leaving and coming home god knows when, it was obvious that he had not one, but many affairs.

But because of how he was at home, I had no problem with him leaving, doing whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted. At least it got his attention off of me.

By this time he had full control over me. I made little money from my part time job, which he took every penny of. I had no close friends, he’r chased off all my friends, and I was in debt to the point I was forced to file bankruptcy.

The reason why I left is because my children’s cries for a better life finally got loud enough.

Once I did I stayed single for 2 years. It took me less time to heal this time because I was more active in my recovery.

And as I grew older I craved a companion. Which is what I found.

Someone much different. He was successful, a very active father, enjoyed life, and love bombed me. And I quickly became addicted.

I didn’t look through his phone. The first time I found out about his attempt to cheat was because the woman (or at least the one that didn’t put up with it) he was trying to pursue reached out to me and sent screenshots of his bullshit.

And did I leave? No. Not my proudest moment.

Then a month went by and she reached out again showing me more evidence of his most recent attempts.

And then I went to his house. I got there before him. And there was so many signs in every inch of his house that a woman had been there. I’d list them all but I don’t need to prove it. Someone was there.

So, I left him, without a word, just silence.

After a few days he finally reached out, so I called him out. His responses, “well, I’m not going to defend myself.”

That’s it? That’s all the woman who you “love so much” gets?

I was broken.

That was earlier in the year. Later in the year, than man I love now showed up.

And at the risk of sounding cliche, he wasn’t like the others. And he continues to prove he isn’t like the others.

But I keep that pain I endured close to my heart, attempting to shield myself from repeated trauma.

I don’t know how to accept love. I don’t know how to trust.

I hate that I allowed others to keep treating me the same.

I am a great companion. I am loyal. I love 100%. I am honest. I care how my actions affect them. So why do they keep doing it and how can I trust this one won’t do the same?

A cheater doesn’t tell you they’re shit. They swear they won’t hurt you. They make you believe they’re honest and loyal. So when someone is legit, but say the same things, how do you know it’s real?

How do you recover?