giggles & grind

I remember when I was introduced to online shopping, about 10 years ago. I was very reluctant, like an old man afraid to get a smart phone for fear of the government listening into my conversations. But, once I got the hang of it, I dove head first into all of its possibilities.

Today, I would say besides food, 90% of my purchases are made online. It has nothing to do with saving money or the convenience, or even the euphoria I get from impulse purchases. No, my online shopping routine is entirely driven by the need to remain sane, which I can only do by avoiding stores…or rather, the people in stores.

First, just getting into a parking space tends to be a real pain. One time, about two years ago, I was driving through the Safeway parking lot close to home, and I made the mistake of going down the “wrong lane”, where all the cars were pulled into spots facing my direction, which meant it would be very difficult for me to maneuver into a space. But it was just a simple mistake.

I only had one choice, continue down that lane so I could get out of it, and go down a lane in the right direction. Simple, right? Ha! Another SUV pulled into the lane (going the right direction) and instantly became angry with my “poor driving”, expressing their rage by hitting their high beams on, moving into the center of the lane so I couldn’t pass them, then putting their car in park and revving their engine. I could see hands being thrown up through their windshield and their mouth angrily expressing words that would probably make my laugh. It was so ridiculous. I wasn’t even in a spot in the lane that was blocking them from getting into an open space. I was just going down the wrong lane.

Not only do you have to deal with turd drivers, but there’s also the pedestrians walking to and from their cars. Nine times out of ten they’re not paying attention to themselves or their (if any) children. Walking side by side instead of single file to help make space for cars driving through. Face down in their phones or talking to each other instead of being more aware of vehicle traffic. It’s absolute nonsense.

Once you survive the parking lot, next you have to find a cart. Not just grab one, but make sure it’s got four working wheels that don’t squeak the entire journey through the store. And pray that if there’s no available wipes to clean it off, that you’re not grabbing a cart that was last used by one of those bring-your-dog-to-shop people who think it’s appropriate to push their canines through the grocery store. Nothing creeps me out more, especially when I see it in the produce section. Yuck!

As you travel through the store, your next adventure is to swerve through the mixed crowd of those who know proper lane etiquette. If you drive in the right lane, you should walk in the right lane. Common knowledge. Or the folks that run into acquaintances and use the lanes to stop and talk in a group setting, not being aware that others are there to grab what they need, pay and go home. They block lanes, the block products on the shelf, they slow down traffic. It’s aggravating.

Need help finding something? Need something unlocked because there’s too many cleptos in this world now that they can’t leave battery packs in the open anymore? Try finding someone that can help. Some stores have a button you can push that calls for an associate to assist, but I’ve spent many a times in an isle patiently waiting, hitting the button numerous times, to finally give up and decide I just don’t need it that badly.

Then there’s the workers that really should be on a conveyor line assembling easy to put together products, where they’re not required to interact with anyone, especially customers. I can’t count how many times I’ve been faced with cold, rude, or ignorant/oblivious employees when all I needed was a questions answered, assistance reaching something, or help finding something. Sometimes they’re overworked because the store refuses to put money into fully staffing it to meet the demand of its customers. Sometimes they’re just non-motivated, paycheck-to-paycheck, no goals to climb up the success ladder people who show up for their check and expect more to actually do their job.

Another thing that really twists my tights is the constant need to reorder the layout of products. There’s a few stores that come to mind that habitually change the location of their commonly purchased products, and it slows me down, causes traffic backups because everyone is lost, and then you can’t find someone to help, or if you can, they don’t always know where the thing you’re looking for is now located.

Bathrooms. Enough said. Is it too much to ask that the stores make it a requirement that all bathrooms get an hourly check, especially when it’s a busy store like a local supermarket? How often do you open the stall, see the horror of what’s been left behind from someone that looks like they drank the night before and the late-night Taco Bell finally passed through their system? At the very least, checking to see if the toilet paper is stocked would be a real treat. The toilet liners mounted on the wall behind the toilet have saved me many of times when I went to wipe just to find a cardboard tube with the last half of a single square of toilet paper barely hanging on to it.

And last but not least. My biggest gripe….the cashiers line. Well maybe not my biggest gripe, but it’s near the top. I am a huge advocate for letting people with a handful of things cut in front of me when I have a full cart. I also don’t mind letting people with small children ahead of me. Common courtesy goes a long way in the check out line. What I absolutely detest is cutters! I don’t know what’s worse, the people that just blatantly don’t look to see if they’re coming up to the line as someone else is cuts on accident, or the people that act like they don’t see you, or do and just don’t care, and swoop in to cut you without any remorse. Unless you’re buying Exlax medication, I see no reason for such behavior.

Okay, rant over.

But for all of those reasons, and probably more that I just didn’t think of, I will remain a loyal customer to online shopping for the sake of my sanity.