giggles & grind

One thing I know I will be remembered for is not having a filter. And I say that with a bit remorse, but only a bit.

I don’t think I truly got to learn who I was until well after adulthood. Childhood for me was trying to keep my head down, to avoid the excessive amount of abusive discipline my dad and stepmom distributed with such ease. I never felt like I had a voice. I lived in fear of being criticized and punished for any thought that wasn’t molded by them.

After becoming an adult and starting a career, I learned quickly that I would quite literally say whatever I wanted without very little–if any–consequence. And I became addicted to the feeling of freedom. It felt POWERFUL. Unfortunately, it hurt a lot of feelings, offended many people, and made it difficult building bonds with other people.

I don’t know if it was my boldness that made them intimidated or if they were afraid I would direct my words to exposing their truths, but it made it very difficult to make friends.

I had several superiors try to mold me, much like my parents did, but they were met with resistance every time.

I have always been someone who speaks little, only using the exact amount of words needed to get my point across, sometimes even less, which meant I had to get right to the point–short and unfluffed.

In all honesty, small talk gives me a bit of anxiety. I will have a full conversation with someone in my head, as I approach the inevitable situation where small talk would usually take place, and then I freeze. I cannot act. I don’t care how to ask how they’re doing when they’re return response will be generic, polite, or worse–lengthy and honest. I don’t need to say “hi” to every people I see each day. I don’t need to say “goodbye” as I part ways with someone, especially a coworker. Wishing someone farewell is such a waste of effort.

For me, words should mean something. Doing it because it’s what society says is right doesn’t make it right to me. It’s not as if I don’t care, truly I do. Okay, most of the time I do. But small talk just gives me the “ick”. Even with my closest loved ones, I just don’t do it.

My children and I can drive 4 hours in the car on a trip without speaking a word to each other. I remember one trip, my daughter’s friend came with us, and she said that we were the most quiet people she’s ever been around and it was weird to her. This was coming from an Italian girl who comes from a very loud, talkative family. Of course she thought we were freaks.

Back to my point. For me, it’s about saying it all the first time, without taking too much space in other people’s world. And it seems like there are very few who think like me.

I have a tattoo that says “say little, but say it well”. I’ve mastered the first part, still falling down now and then on the second.

I’ve tried to practice my dad’s motto (which is humorous to claim its his motto, because he certainly doesn’t practice it), “is it kind, is it honest, is it necessary”. Do all three things have to be true? I’m still navigating that thought.

Is telling a coworker I really don’t care for to “have a good night” as I’m leaving kind, honest, necessary? None of the above. So, I don’t say it.

Is telling a stranger in the store “If you say excuse me, she’ll move out of your way” because they’re practically running into my child who doesn’t see them with their cart rude? No, I’m teaching them manners (or trying to) while also showing my child she can use her voice. However, that would be considered rude, but lying to the coworker I despise by pretending to wish them a good evening is considered proper.

Strange how we use words to interact, and we’re expected to be “polite” in a fictitious way but not call out the rude and crude people of the world.

I am not a silent victim. I am a strong woman. My words reflect that.

I think I could have gone a bit further into this topic. But, you get the message, right? And if you read more of what I write about, you’ll notice that this article is an introduction to my personal tone.

Now, carry on.